Hate. Hate. Hate.

I love how we love hating

I love how the world is hateful, but we hate nicely, we're having fun

I love how we hate those people not personally

I love how we didn't even talk shit about people after we said we hate them

I love how the word hate represents anything

I love how even when we talk about it, nobody's going to be offended

I love that we don't hurt people, we always use unreadable words addressed to unknown

I love how we hate generally but not too deep

I love how we decided not to talk again to those people, what for anyway

I love how we always want to be on the outside of the society and be alone in our room

I love how we stay away from them

I love how we stopped giving a shit about what anyone thinks

And I wish you do too, because if you do, you should be okay with our hatred exposed like this

I love that we are not haters, we just hate

Haters are so lame and it's the people, not us.

Our demons get along very well.

What Happens Nowadays

I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet.

And with a feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now.

Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran

Future Partner

Dear future partner that I already knew,

How're you doing? Still cuddling with that addictive joystick and football games? I know you finally got through that phase of your life, didn't you? Or I'm wrong? But nevermind, I'm okay with that. You've told me you'd be so nice to me, wouldn't do any harm and protect me, I believe you're doing your best now, right? Kissing me good morning, texting and calling me from your office whenever you have time, bringing my favourite foods (you know I always love food!), feeling sorry and you mean it when you tell me you'll come home late, kissing me good night, those I love yous we keep telling each other without being bored. I know you've changed to be an adult version of you, with that moustache (maybe!) or anything, still I love you anyway. And oh! we have a cuddling couch outside in our garden, with beautiful lamps, where we pass our evening there, talking and laughing remembering those days when were still those kids in love. And in our bedroom, you know I always love tent! We build ours and wrap our bed with it, a bunch of pillows inside and a tv with dvd player, we watch movies together until we fall asleep. Its fun, isn't it?

I Burn You

You're like stains, on my t-shirt, my favourite t-shirt

And it's not my fault, it's you spreading yourself on it

You're stains in white, and my t-shirt color is black

Said, you want to brighten me

Said, you hate to see me like this

But sorry honey, you're stains.

You're white I'm staring at

Feel my fingers rubbing you?

Feel my tears on you?

It is my favourite t-shirt

My daddy bought me

My mommy picked for me

You stupid stains.

Detergent can't wash you off my t-shirt

Maybe you're too evil that you're so strong

Maybe you're too white that people can't see

Can't see your sins.

I hate you stains.

I hate you.

I fuckin hate you that I burn you and my t-shirt.

2 days later, I will get over it anyway.

How I Met the Mother

After long wait for years. Though I wasn't watching this show since it was first aired on 2005, still I have watched all of its episodes in a year and still I feel that euphoria of how really curious am I to see the mother! And on this midi May, its finally revealed!
So this girl is positively the mother and I don't know whether I have to be happy or not.
She looks smart, petite, cute, with her yellow umbrella, and boots.
I wonder how lucky she is that she will meet Ted, the best fiction man ever exist in the non-real life, and even being her wife. Ted's charming, lovely, romantic with his own way, funny, kind, and everything good and I wonder what kind of girl is her. And I hope later I'll find out that she's worth the long wait.
Can't wait how it would be the season 9.
September comes faster!

Huh

Bangun tidur aku liat rambutnya yang berantakan
Terus bilang "lucu.." berkali-kali
Dia masih aja asik tidur
Padahal mataharinya udah capek sendiri daritadi
Manasin orang-orang supaya bergerak
Biar ga males terus
Tapi ya dia emang kebal sama matahari
Kalau sama bulan, baru deh dia temenan
Jadi percuma juga aku teriakin kalau rambutnya lucu
Percuma aku pencetin idungnya
Percuma aku cubitin pipinya
Percuma abisnya sama aja
Dia lupa sama siang
Huh
Iri deh
Iri sama bulan
Dia deketan terus sama bulan
Giliran aku tidur, dia main game ditemenin bulan
Pas aku bangun, dia masih tidur soalnya ga ada temennya
Ya tapi tetep aja sih aku biasa aja
Kalau sama bulan dan game aku masih bisa
Asal ga kayak yang dulu-dulu
Mereka yang sering ditemenin blasteran bidadari - alien
Sampe lupa sama aku terus ninggalin
Sadar ga sih mereka bikin aku ketakutan terus sampe sekarang
Huh
Aku benci banget sama masa lalu
Eh balik lagi deh
Tadi ngomongin dia
Iya, dia masih tidur sampe sekarang

It Was Meant To Be

What if I didn't decide to say hello to you that day?

What if I just let you pass by me?

What if I wasn't there?

What if you weren't there?

Tom was right.

It was meant to be.

Drops of Jupiter

This song is so full of metaphors. And since its all metaphors, it depends on me how I assume it imaginatively according to the leads of my brain and heart. And here it goes.
My assumptions have no connections with what Pat Monahan (Train's lead singer) really means with this song (About his passed away mom).
For me this song (The one covered by Taylor Swift), its about a boyfriend or a best-friend who's so busy with his/her business, study, or everything that make them kinda away from 'the me' in the song. But since its all done for their own good, 'the me' accepts it anyway and is still patiently waiting for them.
K, I dont really know what I want to say. Its hard to explain lol. In short, I do love this song and its metaphors.
Metaphors are cute.

Faubourg Saint-Denis

Thomas Listen. Listen. There are times when life calls out for a change. A transition. Like the seasons. Our spring was wonderful, but summer is over now and we missed out on autumn. And now all of a sudden, it's cold, so cold that everything is freezing over. Our love fell asleep, and the snow took it by surprise. But if you fall asleep in the snow, you don't feel death coming. Take care.

Francine je me souviens exactement... s'était le 15mai... le printemps tardé, la pluie menacée, et tu criées...

Et tu as été admise bien sur. Tu as quitté Boston pour emménager à Paris, un petit appartement dans la rue du faubourg Saint Denis. Je t'ai montré notre cartier, mes bars, mon école. Je t'ai présenté à mes amis, à mes parents. J'ai écouté les textes que tu répétais, tes chants, tes espoirs, tes désirs, ta musique. Tu as écouté la mienne, mon Italien, mon Allemand, mes brides de Russe. Je t'ai donné un walkman. Tu m'as offert un oreiller et un jour... tu m'as embrassé. Le temps passé, le temps filé, et tout paraissait si facile, si simple, libre, si nouveau et si unique. On allait au cinéma, on allait danser, faire des courses, on riait, tu pleurais, on nageait, on fumait, on se rasait. De temps à autres tu criais, sans aucune raison, ou avec raison parfois... Oui avec raison parfois. Je t'accompagnais au conservatoire, je révisais mes examens, j'écoutais tes exercices de chant, tes espoirs, tes désirs, ta musique. Tu écoutais la mienne, nous étions proches, si proches, toujours plus proche. Nous allions au cinéma, nous allions nager, rions ensemble, tu criais avec une raison parfois et parfois sans. Le temps passait, le temps filait. Je t'accompagnais au conservatoire, je révisais mes examens, tu m'écoutais parler Italien, Allemand, Russe, Français, je révisais mes examens, tu criais... parfois avec raison. Le temps passait, sans raisons. Tu criais sans raisons, je révisais mes examens, mes examens, mes examens, mes examens, le temps passait, tu criais, tu criais, tu criais. J'allais au cinéma. 

Pardonne moi Francine.

Thomas: Oui?

Francine: Hey what happened? You're gone all of a sudden. You hung up? Was it that bad? Thomas, are you still mad about yesterday?

Thomas: Non...

Francine: Tell me, was it believable?... I see, shit! It doesn't work like that huh? How are you supposed to say: "our spring was wonderful; but summer's over" without sounding completely melodramatic? Ughh Whatever! The director loved it, so i have to find a way. Thomas, are you listening to me?

Thomas: No, I see you.

Paris, Je T'aime (2006)

Petrichor

I'm not rainbow
I'm not filled with some colorful colors and stuffs
I don't show myself up proudly after the rain
Nobody's excited or waiting for me to beautify the sky
I don't even like rainbow at all

I'm petrichor
Just a smell that comes after the very first water of rain falls to the ground
Even people don't think I'm there and I'm not hoping so
I'm invisible, can't be seen
Can't be talked about for hours like rainbow

I'm petrichor
Nobody cares but,
At least I have a name.

Really

So this is the number I'm afraid of
I put my head on his shoulder and realized
All this time I'm this little girl who's stuck on bigger body
And for this kind of case, having a birthday is getting harder
I cry, I cry, I cry.
I really don't want to grow up, I just want to always be that little girl with plain mind
No worries, no sadness, no hurt feelings, no being left out
I don't want to grow up, I want to stay, even go back
With that kind of number from 1 to 10, I was the happiest
I even ever think that since 15, my mental stop growing up.
I don't want to be older.
I cry, I cry, I cry.
I realized more, there are so many things a grown up should do
Could I do all those things? Could I figure out anything?
I want to go back years before.
When everything is less complicated, easier.
I cry, I cry, I cry.

I really did this.
I really cried at me being old.

Who Killed Nancy?

Sid, listen to me tonight. I promise you I won't talk too much anymore.

Listen to whatever I say, is it too much to ask?

You see, these things around us are our best friends

Nothing to worry about, they won't get mad

Even they will just watch us reaching our heaven here

They are supporting us with their tastes, their smells, their liquids inside our blood

You're with me tonight, right?

Stop yelling, stop arguing, stop anything 

We just repeat the same thing for over 2 years

Hug me, kiss me, make love to me.

You're with me tonight, right?

In this hotel room number 100 called our kingdom of getting high

We just have to stay on our bed, side by side

Don't go, we just have to wait, the servants will come here

They will give us exactly what we need the most

Sid, you're still here, aren't you?

Who kills me, Sid?

Who kills me?

Who kills me, Sid?

I know you wouldn't do this

Sid, you already left before that knife stabbed my tummy, didn't you?

Sid, answer me.

You're the bravest man I've ever known, tell the world you didn't do it

Tell the world that you love me so much that's why we've been together all this time

I love you, Sid.

I love you too much that I don't want you to live anymore if I died

Who killed me 6 months ago, Sid?

I know its not you, baby.

Lets get high again

His Sid Vicious & Her Nancy Spungen

Video Games

It's you, it's you, it's all for you

Everything I do

I tell you all the time

Heaven is a place on earth with you

Tell me all the things you want to do

I heard that you like the bad girls

Honey, is that true?

It's better than I ever even knew

They say that the world was built for two

Only worth living if somebody is loving you

Baby now you do

Video Games, Lana Del Rey.

Pathetic

You're so pathetic that you always regret what you didn't do while you had so many times to do it yet you postpone it until the time is over. You're so pathetic that your laziness is eating your brain and heart and making you can't move your hands and feet. You're so pathetic that you can't get along with someone new even with someone you already know because you're too scared of their responses while there's nothing to worry about. You're so pathetic that you're fat, your tummy is wrapped by fats. You're so pathetic that you're talking too much about yourself but nobody listens even hears to your story because its just so pointless. You're so pathetic that you're dumb, you don't know about any recent stories. You're so pathetic that you're friendless, you can't keep friends because you're failed at having conversations and being funny. You're so pathetic that you're so unlucky. You're so pathetic that you're so me.

Saying This For Me

Dia

Dia terlalu menyedihkan untuk hal semenyenangkan ini

Dia mau, tapi tidak berani

Dia bisa, tapi sekitarnya memaksa untuk mengurungkan niatnya

Pulangkan saja dia, pulang ke bawah tempat tidur

Seberapa canggih pun permet karet yang habis dikunyahnya

Tak cukup kuat menempelkan gelap di terang itu

Dia kalah telak, dia sendirian

Apapun yang terjadi setelah ini, dia bisa mati

Teriakannya yang ragu tidak terdengar

Siapa juga yang bersedia membuka telinga untuknya?

Sampai serak, sampai tenggorokannya terluka

Dia tetap sendirian

Kasihan.

Anak mama.

We Moved On.

Slowly everyone has forgotten everyone else. No matter how great things ever happened between them. Everybody moved on. You cant hate them because they don't reply your texts, you can't hate them when they get along with anyone else and kick you away, you can't hate them for stopping have a chit chat with you, you can't hate them for forgetting you. They are people. And we are too. We ignore some texts because we forget, we get along with anyone else because we just like them more, we stop having a chit chat with anyone because we don't know how to start conversation after all this time and once we start, it gets worse, we forget people not because we are mean, its all because we moved on, we meet new people, new situation, new life. Sometimes its involving some people from our past, but still, you can't treat them like they were the same people from your back. Though, missing people to treat us the same as it used to is normal. I do, sometimes in my life I still wish some people remember how we used to be and can just be the old them. But I'm trying to bury that hope since the most popular words "People change" rooted in my head.

They were my best friends, now they are just friends. They were my friends, now we just know each other. 

And sometimes, I thank God for making those people change to be the new them, now. Like we just knew each other, but now he's my boyfriend.

The creepy thing is I still feel like I'm just as the same as I was. Never change. Although I don't know what others think about that. But the fact is I'm left, I'm stuck with the old me, thats why sometimes its hard for me to see everybody around me is leaving, moving on.

Last Words

This man. I don't know what he thought that day, that moment. He's still a good husband and a good dad.

To Boddah:

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community had proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things.

For example, when we're backstage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begin, it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun.

Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do, God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.

On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!

I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.

 I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much, I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.

Peace, love, empathy,

Kurt Cobain

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your altar.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I love you, I love you!

2013

Its 2013

There will be a kind of being older quickly. It wont be about 1 anymore, it will be about 2. Let just say, I will have 2 head. That's scary because my first head isn't filled fully enough and well enough, and I ever promised to myself that I will make this second head being more sophisticated. But, promise to ownself never works anyway so I will just let my second head do anything it wants as long as its sophisticated, still.

Another thing is I survived from 21 12 2012! I'm one of billions people who still alive on 2013 from freaking out.

This French study is getting harder and harder. This year is my fourth and my fifth term. I can't believe that times are gone so fast. Here I am, 2 years to go and I will be graduated, work, marry someone, have kids. The key word is Older. I wish everything is gonna work out well.

A Year Without Being Unloved

Its almost one year and and its almost the end of the year and its the most beautiful year I've ever been with him. The moment when I feel so in love this much, its even too much but I cant help myself to stop and I dont want to. The moment when I laugh and laugh again and laugh again because of him. The moment when I get used to cry and strangely it was happy tears in the middle of the night. The moment when I realize how could I be so attached to him like I can't live without him and not even an hour and if I did I screwed up. I love the way he's being sweet in every single thing he did for me. I dare to say he's different and I love that fact. I love how time cant change what he feels about me since the first time that feeling appeared. I cant help myself to think; what if i didnt say hi to him at that event, what if that time I ignored his very first message. So still like what I always believe; everything happens for a reason. Cliché but nobody cant deny that theory, I am nobody. Remember how I felt like dont want to be anyone's someone, how I assumed that boys all are the same (re: jerk), I started to mind those things for a good reason and I stopped for an extraordinary reason; him. So in the end, I'm hoping us will always be us, like for forever.